New

I have not been fair to this forum.

Even though all creative/productive thought is being channelised into GAB (you know GAB? check it out!), this is where it all began, and this should not be ignored. Though the speech sounds a little oh-GAB-is-of-international-acclaim-now (it isn’t, unless a friend in the UK and relatives in the US count), I’m going to assume we’re heading there, with your help of course.

Anyhow, of other matters. It’s a new year, for one! The last was a turbulent one – MUCH happened in 2011. I can’t even remember how much of the much was talked about here, but looking back, I can count at least 4-5 events which I should, despite my extremely weak memory, remember for a long long time.

What of it, then? Most of it did not go as planned – some excellent things happened, some crashed and burned, some were excellent to begin with but eventually they c-and-b’ed. There isn’t much scope there though, dwelling on what has passed. Nothing really horrible happened (does it ever?), not horrible enough to not forget and laugh off eventually anyhow. However, how about dwelling on the future?

Resolutions, for one. We love new beginnings. They are excuses to promise reform to oneself, or put off reform till the next beginning. And we don’t just begin once an year. There are birthdays, new jobs, new semesters, application procedures, so many things – we are always promising ourselves to do better, with a fresh start.

You would expect me to get cynical here, wouldn’t you. The naivety of it all and more such. Well, though I would refrain from making some the same commitments I’ve made for the last few years (learn to drive properly! lose some of that gosh-darned weight!), I can’t possibly resist the temptations of new-leaf season. I, for one, am in constant need of these opportunities. All procrastinators are.

For one, I definitely want to find my way back into being a worm. Of the bookish kind, I mean. I have assassinated my reading habit (my laptop has, at least), and I disgust me. I think that is always a good resolution – one can never read enough. Probably not trading in my ancient laptop for a snazzy new one would encourage the book-loving. This year, I will be one of those people the younger me used to feel sorry for, the ones who tell themselves to read such-and-such book within so-and-so weeks/months (gah). For starters, at least.

For two, well, there are all those promises you cannot but help making to yourself – be more productive, do something more, get better job, clean out cupboard, clean out life. Those ones, again, never worked for me. Too vague. On the other hand, set, defined goals are too set-defined – how am I to know what a turn things, or my mood, takes? I think travelling would be a safe bet. I’d like to travel more this year – as many as three trips, hopefully. It’s been much too long and ’tis much too wrong, this lack of moving about, and I should move ahead and convince my friends to do the same. Until the resources last, then (as a dear dear friend has wisely thought of for herself).

The other things shall be the other things, and I’ll hope it all turns out dory-hunky enough, though it’s all right if it doesn’t, all in a day’s work and an year’s stride, que sera sera. I hope I’ll still find you here to talk to when I feel like, for one – I’m trying to  keep the crazy rant out of GAB, but I’m hoping you’ve taken to it/gotten used to it enough here to permit me a tad of it every now and then. This year, I’m starting on a positive note. That’s about the best one can do, right?

To new beginnings, then.

2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,300 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 22 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Finally

I seem to be on a roll today.

Finally, the site is up. The one I spoke of in the last-but-one post, The Proposal? Well, it’s been a while, but the first posts are up. We haven’t got the perfect theme yet, nor the perfect domain, but I believe it’s better to get started, and surprise you with the improvements as we go along.

I recall concluding this blog a while ago, before populating it with a flurry of emotionally-charged posts.  I felt that I had exhausted the ideas I try to bring forward here – I haven’t revised my opinion much. I believe it will be a relief for you to have something more, and something regular, to look to.

This, though, isn’t quite the end. I guess I’ll still be back here more often than not, because there is just so much of venting you can do at a place where you are hoping to tackle politics, not musings/ravings.

I will stray from the stoicism for a bit here, though, and confess to you that I really am quite apprehensive/excited (wow that feels weird) about this project – and very, VERY hopeful too. Also, confident – if that is possible alongside the aforementioned emotions – that the new site will have a million times more to offer to you than this ever did, much as I have enjoyed it (even if you have not).

So, whoever you may be, I thank you for being kind enough to keep coming back (I’m assuming you were). Do visit the site which I am banking a lot of expectations on, and I hope you find, or create, something of interest to you. I believe you will. I’m sure you will.

I give you GAB.

Hyde

Not the way I mean it, but apt still.

This seems to be exceptionally hard to convey.

In your head, you have an idea about what you are. You probably have an even clearer idea about what you are not. There’s so much of that ‘I-wish-I-knew-what-I-seem-like-to-others’ thought-process (for want of a gentler way to put it) going around, but in fact, you already have a picture of who exactly you are, even if it’s sub-conscious.

However, as per the norm, that just cannot be something which remains static. In your head, you could be humble, vain, quiet, a good friend, an awful person, funny, truthful, good with children, horrid with conversation, vague, clear – the list, of course, is endless. As far as you know, you are going on being that person, day after day after day.

However, with or without your knowledge, you’re not that person all the time. You’re not always a ‘good’ human being, you’re not always nice, you’re not always mean. Remember that time you felt really mad at someone, and you swore you can never be that person? That you can never do something like that? Well, you do it sometimes too. Sometimes, you’re not sensible, and sometimes, how much ever you deny it, you are NOT in control. Sometimes, there is something/one getting under your skin, and you can’t even name it.

I’m not just talking about you, and I’m not just talking about me. I’m talking about everyone, and consequently, discussing a concept. Now here I am, unable to put my finger on exactly what it is. The problem is, that sometimes, you can be someone you think you aren’t – and you can not give a damn, alongside.

If it doesn’t bother you, then, being the person you don’t want to be, doing the annoying things you never thought yourself capable of, who (the hell), then, are you? Is there ANY coherent shape to who you are? Can someone say – ‘I like her/him for who s/he is’ about you? Because you’re not a static person.

 I know this just ends up sounding like vague philosophy, but it’s something I’m thinking about right now. I discover things about myself which are new to me – sometimes, a new fact which isn’t a problem, sometimes, a new trait which I have always hated in others. I’ll continue to hate it in others, but I couldn’t be bothered to set it right, when I’m doing it. Maybe, this once, I want to be able to be hypocritical, or maybe, the fact that this trait is hateful does not bother me. Maybe, I want to let in to doing what I don’t want done unto me, because I know I hate it, and I am comfortable being hated for it. Maybe, I WANT to be hated for it. Maybe, I just want to cause discomfort, this once.

I don’t mean this to lead into a ‘so if I am not a concrete person, who am I?’ train of thought (for one, that question always answers with ‘I am Spiderman’ in my head). It’s just a possibility I’m raising, which you can think of every time you really hate something somebody else does. Because there is a chance that, this once, you’d like to do that too.

Because there is a chance that, this once, is not just once.

The Proposal

image from flickr.com

This has been pending since, well, a very long time. I have been waiting to come up with the perfect concept, the best balance, the quintessential idea – I’ve been waiting to get down to figuring this out, coming up with a framework, and beginning work here.

That, of course, is not to be. So, as is the norm, I am beginning the process here itself, with the hope of finishing it off at the same place, in the same go. So here then, is my effort to make you an offer you cannot refuse.

As with any proposal, there is the whole sob story which goes before it – the history, so to say. There is the struggle, the conflicts, the genesis of a life-altering thought, the debate, the pros and cons, the twists and turns, and eventually, the decision to go ahead with it, and take the leap.

Let me skip the first 40 steps, because I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard more than enough about the inner turmoil. To give you a snappy introduction anyhow, what I’m going to ask of you is for your assistance in something which could be my first step towards an eventual career goal – the thing is, I’m hoping that it could be something of that magnitude to you too.

Even if it isn’t the path-breaking revelation I hope for it to be, I’m hoping to put forward to you a mutually beneficial arrangement, which provides us with ample opportunities to take up activities we otherwise do not find the chance to engage in.

Enough bush-bashing. I would like to start a website, an online magazine, so to say. The main point is that, to do this, I need you.

Now, we all know we’ve heard a substantial magnitude of what this voice has to say, and we all are pretty sick of it too (newcomers are welcome to go through the previous 44 posts below, if you dare). What I want to start here is not a blog which features yours truly yakking – I think the Circle has covered about a decade’s worth of that. What I would really want is a venture which is collaborative, and I don’t just mean that in the writing sense.

I understand that there are numerous (to say the least) online forums out there, and about a gazillion of them are unheard of. I do not claim a forum which will definitely break all previous norms, and bring you to shooting fame. I do not, definitely, claim to provide monetary gains (much as I could wish for those). I do not, at all, suggest employment opportunities, career-changing occurences or any of the hoopla along those lines.

On that encouraging and enticing note, let me tell you what I DO propose. I put forward the prospect of providing a forum for you, through which you can pursue that which you can not in your day-to-day existence.

Now, this can be anything. If I say writing, I mean all varieties of it – from critical articles about current events to poetry, from fiction and plays to humour and satire, anything which you would like to try a hand at. And then some more – art, illustrations, graphics, website design – whatever you want to put out there, here is a space for you.

This, of course, would not be an unregulated mumble-jumble of all things under the sun. Here is where the tricky bit comes in. While I do propose a forum where anything and everything can be shared, a structure needs to be lent to the same – and I cannot give that to you till I know the number(s), and extent, of participation.

It is yours to decide how regularly you can contribute, depending on the kind of time you can commit – twice a week, weekly, fortnightly – the idea is to put forward something regularly, so your inputs become routine and expected for the viewer. According to the genre and theme of these contributions, further shape can be given the whole site – fact and fiction, analysis and reviews, stories and illustrations, again, anything which can take your fancy, but with a certain degree of shape and coherence.

There is probably much more which you would need to know before you can give your nod, but that’s what I’m here for – that’s what this idea is here for. This, in its entirety, is open to discussion. In fact, discussion is what will shape whatever this is to be. All I need is any number of people to go forward with, because the best, and most versatile stuff we can put out there is what we bring out together.

I would love to hear from anyone interested in any inbox of mine which you have access to, or simply on the comment thread of this post – I WILL get back to you. I don’t know how clear or appealing I have been, but I would be happy to discuss whatever there is which can be discussed, if you have the slightest interest. I propose this with the belief that we are just at the beginning of who we will eventually be, and if what we are engaged in, full time, does not give us the opportunity to explore that which brings us happiness, something else might. I hope we can figure out a way to not only put forward something great, but find our individual happiness and clarity along the way.

What say then, eh?

Odio (It’s that simple when you learn another language)

Image from flickr.com (why this - I was looking for images tagged 'hate', but then I figured I would find more appropriate material under 'love'. So here goes.)

Over here, the attempt will be to translate ‘aaaaAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH’ into English.

I hate not knowing exactly where I stand on something, or someone.

I hate that however much I hate last-minute work, I can’t stop making it last minute, and I can’t care less.

I hate that even when I have absolutely no work, I always have pending work.

I hate that people hate that I don’t speak. I mean TELL THEM HOW MUCH I SPEAK FOR SHUCK’S SAKE. (Comment here for numbers)

I hate knowing that expression which basically sums up to disapproval. I hate the normal human capacity of being able to detect that, because it doesn’t make me want to change myself, it just annoys me.

I HATE that tone you (yes YOU, you annoying *&$%#) use when you tell me to do something – firstly you speak so horridly softly, then you expect me to not ask what you said, and when I do, you enunciate as if I am mentally incompetent to understand the simplest of instructions – I mean, you really WANT to have a constant-condescension competition with me? Cause believe you me, when I am done being what I’m going to be, you’re not even going to want to try.

I hate that I have to know exactly where I’m going, yet I hate to make the effort which comes with planning for the future.

I hate confusion.

I hate when half the time, there is smug, happy satisfaction, and the other half, there is just noise and static. I hate that there is no parameter to decide, conclusively.

I hate that I’m awake at 4, and STILL procrastinating.

 I hate to put myself out there. I hate that the happiest moments and the worst moments come as a result of doing exactly that.

I hate that while I’m fond of the colour grey, I actually hate that it isn’t black or white always.

I hate that no Indian media establishment has bothered to fix word check so as to cut back on wasted time on regularly used words which the Western software folks don’t know. I mean, ABOUT time I don’t have to skip-skip-skip Chidambaram-Kumaraswamy-Raja when I’m frantically looking for spelling errors right before sending off a very late page.

I hate that nothing is comprehensive, not even hatred.

I hate that you JUST DON’T GET IT. Not you, the other one.

I hate that after writing this, I’m going to leave the important work I have to do, and just sleep off.

I hate how plans don’t work, given how much I like to plan.

I hate how it went so well last time, and how it just isn’t happening this time.

I hate dreaming about people, because it scares me to think they’re the last thing on my mind before I sleep. I hate the realization that brings.

I hate that even when I finally dust off and let it go, it boomerangs back.

I hate that I’m too mind-numbed because of sleep-deprivation to think of more things I hate.

I hate the lack of balance – the lack of reciprocation, the lack of equality in intensity, in position, in importance, in centrality, in involvement, in conviction.

I hate that I need to sort the last time out for my peace of mind.

I hate that I’m happy to know that soon enough, this/you won’t matter – and yet, right now, this/you do(es).

This needs to stop.

Again

Never the straight path.

And I would talk to you again about what’s been on my mind, about what I thought of ‘The Adjustment Bureau’, about morbid curiosity, anger, disappointment, satisfaction, emptiness, boredom.

I would consider putting my thoughts to poetry, then think it too inane and downright stupid to say something in fancy one-liners which I could attempt to say in clear, together prose.

I would come this close to using a non-public forum word, then stop myself to challenge myself towards finding a better route to express intense emotion.

I would go back and read quotes from my favourite movies, and the selection of those movies would tell you where I stand – 500 Days of Summer a few days ago, Fight Club today, another one tomorrow.

I would question my beliefs, my convictions, wonder if they are what should define me, especially in situations where they actually do matter, or if they are just more reckless over-reactions, which I should let go of because of the possibility that they are hampering me, trapping me into rules and reactions I preset for myself.

I would question, then, the kind of person I am if my rules and my theories exist for lecturing you or for ensuring I never succumb to being the sort of person I don’t want to be, but disappear when they should actually apply, when I start to frown down upon their ‘trapping’ me, when that is exactly what I meant for them to do all along.

I would ask whether eventually, everyone has a dark side which you come across, traits which you could never accept, things you never saw in the beginning, but things which become the reason for that falling-apart, for the downhill slope, for the looming end.

I would ask, then, if these things are what exist in everyone, or if they are what I’m looking for in everyone – if how well you fit into the scheme of things disturbs me, and I’m, sub-consciously, looking desperately for an excuse to palm you off, to find faults in you so you stop being so wholesome for me, to impose flaws in you so I have reason enough to let you go, because that’s all I’m really looking for after the point where you begin to cross that don’t-you-step-beyond-this line around me.

I would reassert how you can never really know that much about another person after a certain age, that the people we grew up with, the people who saw us growing up, are the only people with whom comfort is safe, with whom we can minimalize the risks and maximize the returns, the only people who should be allowed into our innermost circle, the people who you know you’re in the innermost circle of, if they are in yours.

I would, again, talk about how bad it is to get used to something or someone, how wrong it is to have expectations, how futile it is to react and to let anything affect you, how important it is to hold on to a stand, how necessary it is to always keep that distance so that when the connection is broken, the lash-back does not hurt you.

I would say and do and think and postulate and discuss all these things, then go out and make the same mistakes again.

That’s where the next piece comes from, anyhow.

Cold

Image from flickr.com

If there’s one thing you need a special place of storage for, it is this.

It is not your fond memories, it is not a great time, it is not, definitely, a particularly good feeling. If there is one thing which you really DO need to preserve, it is burning, all-consuming, white hot rage.

There needs to be a place, a little lead box with really strong walls, where you can keep that moment of utter hatred, of bitter humiliation, of animosity of a variety which causes but one desire. The one moment, where the need to hurt consumes you with such a ferocity, that the absence of the opportunity has the power to bring tears to the driest of eyes.

There is, of course, a reason. The time-heals-all-things is a tenet repeated with such a vehemence, that no one can go without clinging to it at least once in a while. Most things do need ‘healing’, or forgetting, as do even the best of memories – attachments cause pain, and if they fade, it is for the best. At worst, you are left with a hazy memory of something good, and if the memory is hazy, the absence does not pinch.

What fades the fastest and is the most dangerous to forget, however, is anger. The most overpowering wrath can disappear with an ease which is shameful to its magnitude. We hate, we hate so very well, we think of the worst and the vilest things and we let them magnify till they consume us – and then, the moment passes, and we forget – forgive and forget.

What IS essential, however, is that there is a reason behind the generation of animosity – there is a clear, concise, distinct occurrence which lies at the source of this emotion. You may feel vaguely happy, or even vaguely sad, but rarely do you feel vaguely angry. Anger is such a clear, hot, burning emotion, and its ferocity relies solely on the fact that there is a source, a reason behind every bout of hatred you have ever felt.

 Why, you ask, does this make it important to hold on to? When we forgive, we allow the source of this intense emotion back into our lives – we, once again, like utter, incompetent fools, let back something which has caused feelings of such mammoth proportions. To dismiss an incident of such a variety, and replace it with the affable, genial acceptance which is day-to-day life, is basically an insult to one’s intelligence – as a self-respecting human, one needs to trust that one’s anger, since not unfounded, should be held on to.

This moment, you could be angry. This moment, you could happily cause pain. This moment, you could take back whatever could have humiliated you – this moment, you could, almost with delight, go sign that eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind-like contract, and happily remove what lies at the source. The next moment, with a smile, with a laugh, with a measly rag of shared happiness, you let go – you let that frame of mind fall away, you convince yourself it could never be as bad as it looked, and you go sailing into the trap.

In fact, it not only could be as bad as it looks, it IS. You finish watching eternal sunshine, and you are sure you know the people you love and care for are people you would never, come what may, erase from your lives. You feel wise with the knowledge that whatever be the magnitude of discomfort and pain, what is ‘important’ is holding on to the ‘love’ which is the warm gooey core of our very cotton-candy-fuzzy-heart-warm-huggable-bear existence. You come away smiling, and living oh-so-well.

Does temporary fleeting happiness blind us to this extent? Is it not but obvious, that someone who you have had the will to erase is someone towards whom it would do well to have at least a little bit of reservation? That someone who could destroy your happiness to the extent which causes raging loathing, could possibly be someone who you shouldn’t go scuttling back to the moment that moment passes?

If you don’t have expectations, you are safe. Even attachments are safer than expectations – with expectations, everything gets hung on a sliver of morbid hope, on a single strand of a cobweb which is just waiting for the chance to disappear. You may be sure that you have kept a wary distance, but bit by bit and day by day, you allow another drop of hope into the balance, until you’re soggy with an image, a wonderful warm picture which is what you think is the definition of what you have before you.

Which is why when you get angry, you need to remember that anger. Because you never realise how deep in trouble you are, until you find out how angry someone can make you.

Once you’ve been moved to tears with the desire to destroy someone, you know it’s almost too late, you know you’ve already given away too much control.

Which is why, the next time around, when this feeling fades away and life is smiles and warmth again, you need to open that little box, and be forewarned of the pain which lies in store if you allow yourself to not look back in anger.

This, right here, will be my little lead box. Because I can do without something else wielding the power to move me to tear-filled, destructive, humiliating complete and utter rage and hatred. Because I can do without anything, at all, affecting me in any notable way. Because I can do without being fooled into illusions of happiness and safety by the very same factors which cause me to lose sleep or desire to shatter things into a million little pieces, which surprise me by meaning more than I could ever, in my wildest imagination, expect them to mean, which influence my sense of control in a way which is anything but positive.

Not that anything ever has.

Intermission

Image from flickr.com

I have nothing new to offer, it seems.

I began to write something, and in the first 2 sentences, I used ‘thought’ and ‘thought process’, and just when I was about to write ‘pattern’, I realised I have nothing new to offer. It’s just more of what I’ve already said, and repetition for the sake of it just isn’t fair.

There are two possibilities, here – the better one is, that I’m possibly in a rut, and I should probably just wait for something new to come along, which isn’t another loop of the same things I’ve been writing about so far. Now since a change of opinion about certain things in life, as such, seems close to impossible in the near future at least, there is no hope in those quarters. Let’s just say if I have a thought which isn’t just another play-dough form of an old one, I’ll start typing.

The second, and the more likely possibility, is that I’ve exhausted my theories. That’s what this has been about – putting out my theories about very general things, things which effect everyone, and talking about my own take on them. What is seems to be, however, is that I’ve discussed everything I’m comfortable discussing, at least. A new thought is not a new thought but a new version of an old thought, and sometimes not even that. In these 40 posts, I seem to have put out pretty much all of it, and then some (repetition).

I just keep coming back to this ‘new post’ page, once in a while, because I feel it’s only fair to post something, if I pretend to maintain a blog, if something is expected of me. There is an easy solution though – I should end the expectations, so there is no obligation. I hate expectations anyway.

While I am not exactly declaring this to be closed, you may consider it to be very very dormant – hibernating, if you may. There shall be no new posts unless they have anything new to offer, which I doubt will happen too soon. If there is something which comes up, at all, you shall be notified. Also, if this is it, this will not be it for me writing, since I hope to bread-and-butter out of it eventually; what I’m trying to say is, even if this blog closes, if you have the gumption to continue following the crazy, albeit on a more serious, less theories-and-random-thought-processes level, say in a journalistic light, you shall be informed, through a post here, about a new site, a new blog or a new job.

While this is not the end, and while I’m still not sure if you exist, thank you for reading. It has helped me feel a little less senile than usual.

Not that I needed to, of course.

Later, then.

Ulterior

Image from flickr.com

Like I said, there is bound to be repetition.

If you’ve read an old post titled ‘Porqué‘, you would know where I am coming from. Let’s just say I’m trying to come at this from a different direction, a different intention even, maybe.

To introduce the thought to you in case you are a little out of it, we’re speaking here of motives behind actions, of steps taken so as to directly benefit yourself. If you’re too lazy to read the old post, let me give you a summary – it’s a good thing, having motives.

And why not? I had spoken earlier of the comfort of knowing what the other wants from you. Here, I’ll ask you to wonder what you want from the other. Why do you speak with the people you speak with? If you’re going to say ‘because they are nice’, this is, again, the wrong place for you to be. Let’s go beyond that comfort zone of being ‘nice’ and ‘pleasant’, and look into what is popularly considered to be (but not so by me) the ‘darker side’.

 There are two key thoughts which you have to leave behind while embarking on this analysis. The first, of course, is the belief, embedded into you over time, that going forward with a purpose in mind is wrong when it comes to another individual, that ‘using’ someone is just such a horrid thing. It isn’t. You’re just made to feel bad about it, with all the negative connotations attached, but someone you can use is a useful person – isn’t that a great thing to be?

Also, the demonic light under which a ‘hidden agenda’ is viewed is, concomitantly, severely flawed. As people are yet to realise how good it is to be used, they probably don’t want to know your reasons behind the interaction, the fools. For this majority, it is therefore a considerate thing you do, if you don’t reveal the plan of action. Of course, it is the best to know which category the other person falls in – if they are one of the tiny number of sensible individuals who would like to know exactly what you are about, do tell (them).

Secondly (no the last paragraph was not secondly, apologies for the fake), and more importantly, you have to come to accept that not only does the other person have intentions, but you do too. Yes you do. Being selfish is an excellent thing to be, because a selfish individual knows exactly what s/he wants from life. To accept that every human, including you, is inherently selfish, is the necessary first step to understanding in a clear cold light what events are about, to avoiding getting mired in unnecessary hold-ups and emotions.

Even the people you are closest to, you don’t speak with them or spend time with them to benefit them (consider whatever I’m saying to be something I believe is good unless stated otherwise, I’m getting a tad tired of saying ‘but that’s a good thing’ after every sentence). You, if nothing else, directly benefit your own sense of well-being by being around people who boost this feeling. Even when they need you, you’re there because you directly benefit from their happiness, as being the source or the facilitator of it gives YOU the chance to feel good. What’s the wrong?

Describing your relation as such with the people you are fond of is not a negative thing, because it’s pretty much stating the obvious. You are unfazed, and that’s a good thing. We’ve talked about connections you’ve already established, and you’re comfortable with the give-and-take which is the essence of this. Moving on, then.

Let me ask you about the people you are NOT the closest to, the ones which you have a day-to-day interaction with, or maybe those who are new to you. Under the argument I present, can you sensibly define ‘liking’ someone? Since they have not been a necessary part of your life, they are not essential to your existence. What then, of the benefits you derive from these individuals? Having a ‘good time’ or ‘clicking’ or any similar nonsense is, well, nonsense. In a time and space, you have to have gotten something out of such an interaction, if you give it a little thought.

What I’m saying is, there is nothing novel and fresh about making any ‘connections’ whatsoever. This is probably why having an agenda was made taboo – so a ‘newness’ could be maintained, a hope and prayer of something ‘more’, than a basic give-and-take equation. There is nothing higher, or greater, or above basic human need. So needing/wanting someone is not something unique, something which should make the other person feel special because it’s something ‘different’ – everyone you make an effort to come in contact with, is someone you need something from, someone you derive a benefit from. Nothing more, nothing less. No supernatural ultra-special wondrous affiliations formed, no dreaminess, no excess of anything.

Because of the conditional way in which we would react to such statements, you would feel I am negating the importance of all relations, because they are all on the basic give-and-take, that I’m saying that since there is nothing special or exceptional, since it’s the same with everyone, I’m no longer holding any affiliations in an essential light.

Yet, to make the effort to make a connection with you, to need something from you, to benefit of contacting you, to give you the position of being an individual who has something which can help me increase my own sense of well-being, is the biggest compliment I can give.

What else is there to it?